I just want to disappear
Every day, I have to do so many little things just to make sure that I function normally as a human being. I have to brush my teeth every morning or they'll rot...I have to wash my clothes or I'll have nothing to wear in 3~4 days...I have to buy groceries or I won't be able to cook, and if I don't cook I can't eat, and if I don't eat I won't get the nutrition I need to do all these other things again and again, day after day...and on top of that, I have to study, make all sorts of preparations for going to college, for getting an internship, for maintaining my relationship with friends and family...it's all so damn complicated.
At least it would be alright if I actually did a good job of keeping up all of these things. But I don't. I've skipped so many meals in the past week I've lost count. Instead of studying today I web surfed all morning and slept the afternoon away, and I've been doing this for who knows how long...yes, yes, I know it's disgustingly, horrifyingly, disgracefully lazy and improper of me to do so. But for now, this sort of behavior doesn't bring me any immediate consequences, and that's enough for me to set my plans on track to completely go to ruin for absolutely no reason.
I just want to dissapear. I just want to lie down and sleep on and on and on, and then wake up in a few months when everything's been magically taken care of somehow. Or I could lock myself in an air-conditioned room with light-colored, perfectly plastered walls, and just program, write, read and sleep until I'm willing to step out and participate in the cycle of life again. But even then, time keeps crawling on. My body's getting older, everyone's expectations of me are increasing, the long list of things I'm supposed to have gotten done by now keeps getting longer, and the paltry number of actual accomplishments I have look steadily more pathetic with each passing day.
I know that in a few years, I'll have dragged myself through all of this somehow. Whether I'll have taken care of things properly, or come out of it in a satisfactory state, is another matter. Thinking about the state of things right now makes me feel like I should ram my head repeatedly against the wall (and I do, often)...but I don't have any true, visceral desire to do so. I don't feel any real guilt for letting my potential collapse into the disgusting, contemptible little pile of rubble it now is. Life has been dragging on like this ever since my early teens, and I still am not sorry for screwing everything up while leeching off of everyone who had faith in me enough to plow their time, money and resources, their blood, sweat and tears into my future. And if I'm not sorry nothing will change.
I just want to spontaneously combust in a puff of smoke and never have existed. Let all the opportunities I have and all the resources I've wasted go to someone more deserving. Gosh, I just want to leave...